What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:41
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What is the meanest thing your husband has said to you?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was in good health!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Who then, do I blame.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im still living with it.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Can you name a female actress who has had bad timing or luck in her film career?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Do you have any problem dating a younger man?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My family never makes their pension either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why does a straight man like anal penetration?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We all went to grammer schools
And who doesn’t know suffering?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So whats the point in blame.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I have no regrets .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I write beautiful poetry .
She married twice! .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But, we were locked up after school.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
What did i know ?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Would this be the day?
My life is so biszare .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it wasn’t much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So, i spoilt her more .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ive learnt so much.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is soul school!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i do to all so called friends.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was 9 years of age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was very sick at this time too.
She wouldn,t have been !
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I waited trembling.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.